Love, what is It?
- Among the different expressions of love are friendship, dedication to a cause or to a person, the love of parents for their children, the exclusive love between a man and a woman united in marriage and the love with which we yearn for the Absolute.
- In order to find the truth about love between a man and a woman, the first question is: what is it in a person, that causes me to be attracted towards him or her?
Is it what he/she is able to give me (money, social status)?
Is it the beauty that I see in him or her or the pleasure that I experience or that we are able to share together?
Is it the feelings I have because of his/her attention?
A relationship thus founded may feel good, but it will prove to be imperfect: the other person is reduced to a means for achieving my own good. Paradoxically, it is towards myself that I am turning...
- If we love truly, we love the other for themselves. An authentic love is above all to desire the happiness of the other. I do not love him/her only because of what they can give me but I love him/her primarily because of who he/she is. In such a relationship, there is even more reason for two people to feel strongly for one another, to experience pleasure in each other’s company or to be of mutual service to one another. A profound relationship is rooted in the person himself/herself over and above their apparent qualities or faults.
- To love in this way implies a free choice on my part : to decide to love the other, to commit myself to him or her. We are not able to love truly without giving some of our freedom to the other. And we expect that this choice will be reciprocated because this is the condition of a relationship.So to look for the happiness of the one I love is to contribute to my own happiness. Certainly, this isn’t always easy. We are all susceptible to mood swings, to the monotony of daily living, to difficulties that may arise and to our own egoism. Love isfragile....Will I love this person in five or in twenty years? Will I be capable of bearing with this or that fault? Is this love for life? Will it last through difficulties, through sickness?
- In reality, if our relationship is founded on a free and reciprocated choice, it can only grow. Because love doesn’t happen only once. ‘Love at first sight’, exciting as it is, is in fact a very strong emotion that does not necessarily demonstrate a profound love.
- Such love is a personal relationship. It is built and it deepens with time and with a more and more solid trust between each other. By talking and sharing, love is renewed each day by means of gestures and attitudes that show to the other the priviledged place he or she has in my life. And the joys, the events and also the difficulties we live together reinforce our intimacy. This can grow to the extent that we work at our committment and through the difficulties, keep turning towards the other.
- Love is therefore not just a simple union of two people but a mutual gift of two free beings of all that they are: body, heart and spirit. The logic of love is to aspire towards a total and definitive gift. Only a decision that is reciprocal and for life allows a human love to reach a certain perfection and to be capable of satisfying our hearts.
- For the Christian, the source and the model of love is God: Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God, and he who loves is born of God and knows God. (1 John 4:7)
How can we be sure that we really love someone?
We know from experience that it is difficult to be sure. We do not always see clearly. It is not easy, in every case, to be sure of myself or my feelings and to have to depend on tangible proofs or signs.
Love is not like an idea with a definition or like a physical phenomen on that can be measured : Love is a matter of choice. And so, to use a quotation from Saint Bonaventure : Love is its own measure and standard.
There are, however, certain practical points to consider :
- Is it my friend that I love or is it the feeling of love that I love? We are so often overwhelmed by the extraordinary feeling that accompanies love that we may forget about the other person.
- A good question to ask would be Do I want to love him or her? Since true love is not so much a feeling as it is a decision, a choice, we have to will to love.
- Finally, love needs the response of the other to actually exist. We cannot speak of love if it is not reciprocated.If you are not sure of the others feelings, don’t remain in doubt. Find a good moment to speak together and find out the feelings and attitudes of the other.
What about fights... and conflicts ?
"Love is built by two"
What would you say about a couple who don`t talk with each other? Wouldn't you wonder which of the two harmed the other?
- What is extraordinary about the difference between a man and a woman is that, with their different manner of approaching things, it brings about a mutual enrichment if they take the time to listen to each other and try to understand each other. Talking about their differing points of view, even having lively discussions, helps love to grow through a better understanding.
Of course, sometimes we cling to our ideas and want to impose them on the other; we aren't at all ready to listen to the other. Then comes a clash... it’s not too serious as long as condemning or ironic comments are not added to the fight. All these apparently harmless remarks hurt the other because they are not respectful of the person. We react according to our different personalities: by exploding in anger, by closing up in silence and bitterness or by fighting back. Love goes to war... fear, distrust and hate attempt to take its place. Harboring bitterness or a grudge in our heart and brooding over our disagreement is the poison of love.
- What is the remedy? Decide to resist my bad feelings and to stop being carried away by my imagination. This decision to love again, to open up my heart again, to welcome and accept the person as they are, to look at them with new eyes: this is forgiveness. It is not writing off the past as if it never happened, but rather, despite the past, starting again with new hope and new strength. "I ask you to forgive me for all the times I didn't ask you since we got married." "It was as if we became newly weds once again," the wife tells us. "We found life again".
There are conflicts in life. Through forgiveness we can avoid allowing our differences to kill love and rather let them contribute to its growth.
Can we still love each other when we are ninety?
let yourself answer
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